Anyhow, Just finished reading Delete this at your Peril, and jesus its the funniest thing I have ever read. For the last week or so I have looked like a complete idiot pissing myself laughing on rush hour london buses...
Highly recommended.
For those who may not have heard about the author, Neil Forsyth or his emails -
Ever wondered what would happen if you replied to one of those emails that solicit money? Neil Forsyth, in the guise of his online alter ego Bob Servant, did just that...
From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Subject: Delete This At Your Peril
FROM HIS ROYAL HIGHNEST, JACK THOMPSON
Dear sir,
Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business. I am JACK THOMPSON, only son of late King Arawi of tribal land. My father was a very wealthy traditional ruler, poisoned by his rivals. Before his death here in Togo he told me of a trunk containing $75m kept in a security company. I now seek a foreign partner where I will transfer the proceeds for investment as you advise. I am willing to offer 20% of the sum as a compensation for your effort/input and 5% for any expenses. Thanks and God bless,
JACK THOMPSON
From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Good morning your Majesty,
I want 30%, and not a penny less,
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Hello Bob,
See these percentages was arranged by the bank and not me. If you insist on getting 30% of the money i have to call the bank. Pls send your: FULL NAME. CONTACT PHONE NUMBER. ACCOUNT NUMBER. COUNTRY/STATE. I will be expecting those details. thanks.
JACK THOMPSON
From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Hello Jack,
I'm afraid I just cannot take my share in cash, too dangerous. I could take it in diamonds, gold, or livestock (lions). My neighbour, Frank Theplank, has a private zoo. He is willing to pay $80,000 for every lion I can get him,
Bob
From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Hello Bob,
I have made arrangement in transporting the 4 lions to you. So give me your phone number for better communication and bank information,
Thanks,
Jack
From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Hi Jack,
I just popped my head over the garden wall and had a word with Frank. He has asked me to pass on a few questions – Are they male or female? Are they in good physical condition? Do they talk? Thank you, my friend, and don't worry, I have booked in to see the bank manager tomorrow morning,
Bob
From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Hello Bob,
Hope fine. Answer to the questions:
1. The lions are all male lions and are very healthy.
2. I don't think I have ever seen a lion that talks.
I don't know if you are also interested in leopards cause my friend works in the Government Zoo and he could find a leopard for you? Remember to speak to your bank tomorrow.
Thanks,
Jack
From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Jack,
Frank just called, he will take the following – 4 lions, 2 leopards, 1 elephant, 1 alligator, 2 parrots, 1 hedgehog. And, of course, the talking lion? Frank has a good few quid. He's worked for me on various bits and bobs, and I've always looked after him, so I think we should put our necks out on this one and make sure the lions talk.
Bob
From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Hello Bob.
I will only be able to get: 4 lions, 2 leopards, 1 alligator. Bob, please send the £1,700 now. I think one of the lions may talk a little. Thanks,
Jack
From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Hello Jack,
Sorry about the delay. Frank wants to know a last couple of things – Can he call the lions "FANCY PANTS" and "BRYAN"? Do the leopards sing, and are they willing to wear clothes?
All the best babes,
Bob
From: Jack Thompson
To: Bob Servant
Hello Bob,
As for the lions, you can call them any name provided you shout when talking to them and always use the same name. And trained leopards like the one I have for you will wear any clothes you buy for them OK. Please send the money today,
Jack
From: Bob Servant
To: Jack Thompson
Jack,
I have some bad news, my friend. I have just been to the bank and the guy there said that I cannot send you any money as I do not have any in my account. In actual fact, it turns out that I owe them over eight grand. I'm really sorry, Jack, I hope I haven't wasted your time, but I'm afraid that the deal is off. Good luck my friend, and good luck with the animals.
Love,
Bob
No reply
Russian lady #1
From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Subject: From Olga
Hello,
I look for someone who is looking for love! My name is Olga Goldovsky. I am 28, a person who loves to joke, attractive, suave and caring. I live in a wonderful part of our Earth named Chelyabinsk, in Ural mountains. My favourite colour is white, colour of innocence. My favourite flowers are white lilies and I wish that on my wedding day. I sincerely want to know you better and hope you want the same.
Best wishes,
Olga
From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Olga,
What a welcome surprise. Tell me – are you athletic? Do you have any statistics (just basic stuff – 100m, hurdles, javelin) that you could offer in evidence?
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
I am fine and very glad you answered. I'd like to devote my life to you, to give you my soul and body.
With kisses,
Olga
From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Olga,
You are a wonderful woman, but we have a problem. I asked you a question you did not answer. If you want to be my wife, then it is vital that you listen to me, otherwise the whole house of cards will collapse directly into our eyeballs.
Bob
From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
My dear Bob,
Dear, telling the truth, I didn't understand exactly your question. I dream often about having my own house but it is very expensive to do so. I am looking for full commitment, friendship and romance from you.
With tender thoughts,
Olga
From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Olga,
I'll be honest, I'm surprised at just how forcefully you are throwing yourself into this relationship but you're such a cracking piece of skirt that you won't be getting any arguments from me. I think you are giving up a little easily on the housing issue.
Bob
From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Dear Sir,
We inform you that Olga is our client. She uses our internet and translation services. She is very interested in you and further correspondence. The services we provide are: one month of unlimited correspondence – 200 USD; two months – 350 USD; three months – 500 USD.
Principal of "Lotos",
Sasha Malikov
From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Sasha,
Thanks for getting in touch. I must say, it's very decent of her to let you use her email address. Olga is an absolute gem, isn't she?
Bob
From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Dear Sir,
Olga comes to the firm every day and asks whether you write. Send money today, even $50, to get started. But do not hesitate too long. There is an English man who wants to take Olga on vacation already.
Sasha
From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
You what?! Where's he taking her? You'd better warn him off, Sasha, I'm serious.
From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
He is talking about taking her to Jamaica. If you are quick and pay money into your account, I can talk her into coming to your country if you add money enough for air fare.
Sasha
From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Sasha,
This is going to knock your socks off. I want you AND Olga to come to Scotland. We are going to form a business. I can't get this English bigshot out of my head. I'm not a jealous man but I don't want Olga to arrive in Broughty Ferry and have just a tiny bit of her saying, "fcúk me, I wish I was in Jamaica." And I know you and Olga are two people who aren't interested in handouts.
I know I'm asking a lot. You've worked like a soldier to build up Lotos from scratch, but this could be an opportunity to get away from the madness of the Lotos office. What do you say?
From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Bob,
Olga and I have considered this and decided that yes, we will both come to your country. The air fare for Olga is $1,400. I will pay my own air fare, but to close my business here is a fine of $2,000. Can you send by Western Union?
From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
Sasha,
Great news. I'll book Olga's flight directly. What's her passport number?
From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
Bob,
If you send me the money, then we will book Olga's flight here. Can you send the $3,400 today?
From: Bob Servant
To: Olga
What difference does it make if I just book it?
From: Olga
To: Bob Servant
OK Bob,
YOU MUST SEND $3,400 THROUGH WESTERN UNION. Olga is worried and a little angry.
Sasha
From Bob Servant
To: Olga
I give up
No reply
The unmissable business opportunity
From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Subject: JOB OPPORTUNITY/ MAKE MORE INCOME
Dear Sir/Madam,
We are Lanzhou Global, a specialist in the production of rubber belts such as power transmission belts, conveyor belts, etc. We need agents to receive payment in bank wire transfers and to resend the money to us. You earn 10% from each operation. Your job is absolutely legal. You can earn up to 3,000-4,000 pounds monthly.
Best regards,
Admin/Human Resources Manager,
Xiong Li
From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Hello there
My name is Bob Servant and I am a semi-retired window cleaner. I am very interested in working for your company. I have a big garage that I could convert into an office?
Many thanks,
Bob
PS What would be my job title?
PPS Is there a uniform?
From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Hello Bob,
Thanks a lot. Listen Bob, this job does not require your much time or space. You do not need a uniform for this and get 10% of each payment. You can give yourself any title you want. Please give us your full personal and banking details so we can get started with this now Bob, Thanks,
Xiong
From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Xiong,
I am an old-fashioned kind of man and as far as I'm concerned if you are working then you wear a uniform. What kind of look do you go for? Do you wear a suit or a branded tracksuit? I want something tight, that's vital. It makes me feel alert.
Your new employee, a proud member of the Lanzhou Team,
The Big Man, Bob Servant
From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Hello Big Man!
We are glad to have you as our staff, please send the information that we need. Do what you think is best for a uniform, Bob. We trust you. I wear a suit.
From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Xiong,
Hello boss! I have been trying like a bastard to find the right uniform for the job and I think I have it – a boilersuit that I bought for £30. I've really enjoyed my first two days of working for LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD. It's been all go, but I have had a great time. I'll get to grips with the form tomorrow.
Yours loyally,
Bob
From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Dear Bob,
The uniform sounds perfect. You should wear it when you are doing your business as you will look smart.
Bob, do not hesitate to send back your job application form. It is very important and we need this information for our system.
XIONG
From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Xiong,
I have been very, very busy. I know you want to get these forms done, but it's not all about paperwork in business, Xiong, you should know that. What we need, Xiong, is to let people know that we are here and we mean business. Rubber belt business.
I've started spreading the word locally. I have also been thinking about a staff night out. Obviously, as things stand there is just me here in the Scottish office, but I was thinking of inviting a couple of people. I think that Chinese would be the most appropriate, as I'm sure you agree!
Is that OK? Shall I just keep a receipt and send it over to you?
Your Faithful Employee and Friend,
Bob Servant
From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Bob,
Thank you again for your hard work for the company. I think that the party is a good idea, and yes we would prefer you to eat at a Chinese restaurant. But Bob, you have still not given us your national insurance number, bank account information and phone number right away.
Please hurry Bob
Xiong
From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Xiong,
My friend. We've had some good times together. We've laughed and joked and worked damn hard to get LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD the respect that it undoubtedly deserves. But things change, my friend. I'd like to place on record how much I have enjoyed my time working with LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD. I suppose this is goodbye, Xiong. I will never, ever forget you.
Your ex-employee but lifelong friend,
Bob "Xiong" Servant
From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Hi, How are you? I know from the start you are a clown, I laugh a lot when i read from you.
From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Hello there,
Yes, I was pulling your leg. All the very best with the old "Lanzhou" line. If you don't mind me saying so, I think it needs a bit of polishing. Tell me, where are you from and do many people actually fall for this stuff?
Stay strong,
Bob Servant
From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Hello Bob,
Of course many people do fall for it, you know lots of gimimicks now and you make your cash. I am from Malaysia, tell me more about you.
No reply
Russian lady #2
From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Hello! I hope that you have good day and good mood. I want to tell a little about myself now. My name is Natalia. I'm 25, I live In Russia. I hope to find the serious relations with the man in the internet. I live with my grandmother.
Your friend Natalia
From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Natalia,
Thank you for your entertaining letter. It sounds to me like you and your grandmother have wonderful lives over there in Russia.
Bob "Bob" Servant
From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Dear Bob.
My grandmother is sick a little and today I shall prepare the Chinese hen and vegetable salad.
Probably you love the tasty foodstuffs. We have proverb: "The way to heart of the man passes through his stomach!" Therefore I shall reach your heart with the help of my culinary abilities. It is a joke!!! Now I go on kitchen. I hope, my grandmother will be pleased. She is a little sick and I am scared some for her.
Natalia
From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Natalia,
Thanks a lot for that joke. It was top class. If you keep them coming, we'll get along just fine.
I hope your meal with your grandmother went well. She sounds like a real character and I'm sure she enjoyed her Chinese hen. She bloody loves that stuff and she always has. But that's her all over, she's just very good fun.
Bob
Russian lady #2
From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Lovely Bob,
Your letter was such warm. I love to dance and dream that sometime I shall dance a waltz with you. You imagine, in a black tuxedo, me in a white dress, we softly addressed to each other in eyes.
You would like to dance with me a waltz?
Natalia
From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Natalia,
I would give everything I own to dance a waltz with you at a big fancy do. Imagine, my dear – you in a cocktail dress and myself in an old, ill-fitting tuxedo far too tight around my bottom that hitched halfway up my shins as I walked and made it hard for me to breathe. It would be so beautiful, Natalia, a real fairy-tale ending to this whole courting business.
All the best,
Bob
From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Hi my lovely friend Bob.
My grandmother has bad health. I today have visited church and has put a candle, that you always were accompanied with good luck. I also put candle for my grandmother. I must go now to care for her.
Yours, Natalia
From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
How's tricks badgerface? I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope she doesn't get ill in such a way that would mean you'd have to ask me for a few quid. Though I'm sure that won't happen.
Your Servant,
Bob Servant
From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Greetings Bob
My grandmother is in hospital in a critical condition. The doctor gives us the list which we should buy medicines. If we do not buy everything, grandmother die. Help me please my love. I very much strongly love you. And we required beside $450US more.
Natalia
From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
My Darling, this is terrible news. Who could have seen this coming? Your grandmother is a fantastic little chap. Tell her to be strong and to hang on. Because... I AM COMING TO SAVE YOU . That's right Natalia, I'm coming to Russia! Tell me what medicines your grandmother needs asap. I am going to the travel agents this afternoon.
Bob Servant x x
From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Hello My Love Bob.
I am glad that you to want to arrive to me to Russia. But Russia the dangerous country with terror and murder frequently to kidnap. Buying the medicine would be better and faster. It is just $450 and for a businessman like you this might be OK?
Natalia
From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Natalia,
Russia sounds really terrible. I can understand your fear for me but I would be a coward of a man if I refused to come there. Your grandmother is clearly the priority. Where do you live exactly Natalia, and do I need any jabs?
Bob
From: Natalia
To: Bob Servant
Bob,
My grandmother is very sick, you must send the money for the medicine or the doctor says she will die. You can visit later to me or I come to your country. For now we must have $450US for medicine.
Please quick
Natalia
From: Bob Servant
To: Natalia
Natalia,
I had a good think about it on the bus home and I have decided, reluctantly, that I can't come to Russia and, frankly, I shouldn't let myself get wrapped up in the whole sorry mess. I hope you and your grandmother get through this. I'm sure you will as you are a tough couple of blighters.
Yours,
Bob Servant
No reply
• This is an edited extract from Extracted from Delete This At Your Peril, by Neil Forsyth, published by Birlinn Ltd at £6.99. To order a copy for £4.99 with free UK mainland p&p, go to guardian.co.uk/bookshop or call 0330 333 6846.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/technology/2010/oct/23/emails-solicit-money-king-arawi
