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Squidgy
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« Reply #350 on: 18 July 2010, 10:43 PM » |
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Nicked from a Facebook update
Some bird said to me the other week, "Do you prefer legs or breast?"I replied, "I prefer a nice shaven pussy..."I'm now banned from KFC for life
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I have learned never to ridicule any man's opinion, however strange it may seem - ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE - Like fúck I have.
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Didledee
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« Reply #351 on: 29 July 2010, 01:42 AM » |
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Reet time for this section to get hilarious.
What do you call a servant in Egypt?
A pyramaid!
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What do you say to a snooker table that's just got ran over by a bunch of seahorses?
Rest in peace
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* Jay Jay Okocha * Youri Djorkaeff * BWFC * Stu Holden * Lee Chung-Yong * |
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Martinbwfc
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« Reply #352 on: 30 July 2010, 01:36 AM » |
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Reet time for this section to get hilarious.
What do you call a servant in Egypt?
A pyramaid!
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What do you say to a snooker table that's just got ran over by a bunch of seahorses?
Rest in peace
Get yer coat your barred.From the joke thread. |
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« Last Edit: 30 July 2010, 01:37 AM by Martinbwfc »
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You never get a second chance to make a first impression, so just give the twat a good shoeing, he'll respect you.
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spudulika
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« Reply #353 on: 30 July 2010, 12:28 PM » |
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i get the pyramid one but whats the deal with the seahorses?
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Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, and professionals built the Titanic.
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Didledee
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« Reply #354 on: 30 July 2010, 12:29 PM » |
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Tut! those jokes are the best I've got  |
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* Jay Jay Okocha * Youri Djorkaeff * BWFC * Stu Holden * Lee Chung-Yong * |
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Batman
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« Reply #355 on: 31 July 2010, 01:29 PM » |
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Had to break up with my cross eyed girlfriend last night, I think she was seeing other people
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traf
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« Reply #356 on: 01 August 2010, 09:43 PM » |
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The lead actor in our local panto got bum-raped on stage last night.
In fairness, the audience did try to warn him.
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Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid
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Jamster26
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« Reply #357 on: 10 August 2010, 01:53 PM » |
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Pirate Pete had been captured by a Spanish general and sentenced to death by his 50-man firing squad.
Pete cringed, as he knew their reputation for being the worst firing squad in the Spanish military. They were such bad shots that they would often all miss their targets and simply maim their victims, leaving them to bleed to death, as the general's tradition was to only allow one shot per man to save on ammunition. The thought of a slow painful death made Pete beg for mercy.
"Very well, I have some compassion. You may choose where the men stand when they shoot you and I will add 50 extra men to the squad to ensure someone will at least hit you. Perhaps if they stand closer they will kill you quicker, if you're lucky," snickered the general. "Oh, and just so you don't get any funny ideas, they can't stand more than 20 ft away, they must be facing you, and you must remain tied to the post in the middle of the yard. And to show I'm not totally heartless, if you aren't dead by sundown I'll release you so you can die peacefully outside the compound. I must go now but will return tomorrow and see to it that you are buried in a nice spot, though with 100 men, I doubt there will be much left of you to bury."
After giving his instructions the general left. Upon his return the next day, he found that Pete had been set free alive and well. "How could this be?" demanded the general. "It was where Pete had us stand," explained the captain of the squad.
Where did Pete tell them to stand?
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"Just when they think they have all the answers, I change the questions".
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Martinbwfc
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« Reply #358 on: 10 August 2010, 05:06 PM » |
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Pirate Pete had been captured by a Spanish general and sentenced to death by his 50-man firing squad.
Pete cringed, as he knew their reputation for being the worst firing squad in the Spanish military. They were such bad shots that they would often all miss their targets and simply maim their victims, leaving them to bleed to death, as the general's tradition was to only allow one shot per man to save on ammunition. The thought of a slow painful death made Pete beg for mercy.
"Very well, I have some compassion. You may choose where the men stand when they shoot you and I will add 50 extra men to the squad to ensure someone will at least hit you. Perhaps if they stand closer they will kill you quicker, if you're lucky," snickered the general. "Oh, and just so you don't get any funny ideas, they can't stand more than 20 ft away, they must be facing you, and you must remain tied to the post in the middle of the yard. And to show I'm not totally heartless, if you aren't dead by sundown I'll release you so you can die peacefully outside the compound. I must go now but will return tomorrow and see to it that you are buried in a nice spot, though with 100 men, I doubt there will be much left of you to bury."
After giving his instructions the general left. Upon his return the next day, he found that Pete had been set free alive and well. "How could this be?" demanded the general. "It was where Pete had us stand," explained the captain of the squad.
Where did Pete tell them to stand?
[spoiler]With their backs to him.[/spoiler] |
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« Last Edit: 10 August 2010, 06:10 PM by Sluffy »
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You never get a second chance to make a first impression, so just give the twat a good shoeing, he'll respect you.
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Squidgy
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« Reply #359 on: 10 August 2010, 07:03 PM » |
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Not so much a joke this, but I did like it. Lifted of someone's Facebook status
Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.
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I have learned never to ridicule any man's opinion, however strange it may seem - ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE - Like fúck I have.
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Tom
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« Reply #360 on: 11 August 2010, 02:32 PM » |
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If they stood with their backs to him, surely that goes against the "They must be facing you" part of the riddle?
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Jamster26
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« Reply #361 on: 11 August 2010, 02:40 PM » |
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If they stood with their backs to him, surely that goes against the "They must be facing you" part of the riddle?
Exactly Tom, took the words out of my mouth.  |
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"Just when they think they have all the answers, I change the questions".
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Sluffy
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« Reply #362 on: 11 August 2010, 05:05 PM » |
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[spoiler]In a circle?
If they missed him they would shoot one of their mates - so nobody fired?[/spoiler]
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Jamster26
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« Reply #363 on: 11 August 2010, 05:10 PM » |
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That would be correct Sluffy. |
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"Just when they think they have all the answers, I change the questions".
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traf
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« Reply #364 on: 11 August 2010, 07:32 PM » |
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This is supposedly a jokes thread.
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Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid
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Jamster26
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« Reply #365 on: 12 August 2010, 09:09 AM » |
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This is supposedly a jokes thread.
I did start a riddle thread a while back traf but I didn't fancy trawling through the archives to find it! Jokes, Riddles, Quiz's; they are all the same to me. |
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"Just when they think they have all the answers, I change the questions".
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Squidgy
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« Reply #366 on: 12 August 2010, 01:13 PM » |
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I tend to agree with Traf.
I didn't bother reading the riddles thread as they get on my tits!
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I have learned never to ridicule any man's opinion, however strange it may seem - ARTHUR CONAN DOYLE - Like fúck I have.
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Batman
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« Reply #367 on: 12 August 2010, 01:17 PM » |
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I haven't laughed once since opening this thread.
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spudulika
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« Reply #368 on: 15 August 2010, 03:38 PM » |
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A tall muscular man walks into a bar and a lady recognises him as a famous rugby player (should i change that to football player for the sake of this forum?) They start to talk and eventually they go back to his place. They start to kiss and he takes off his shirt. He's got REEBOK tattooed on his arm. "Whats that for?" she asks. "Thats so when Im on tv people can see it and Reebok pay me.
He takes off his trousers and he's got NIKE tattooed on his leg. "Whats that?" She asks. "Same as Reebok, I get paid when its seen on tv"
He takes off his pants and he's got AIDS tattooed on his penis. She screams "Dont tell me you've got AIDS?" "No calm down" he says," It will say ADIDAS in a minute"
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Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, and professionals built the Titanic.
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Batman
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« Reply #369 on: 16 August 2010, 01:09 PM » |
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Shameful.
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Manny
Administrator
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Posts: 6989
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« Reply #370 on: 16 August 2010, 04:52 PM » |
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Knowing the Irish, it's probably a true story.
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For professional and affordable website solutions, check out my online portfolio.chris-mann.co.uk
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spudulika
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« Reply #371 on: 16 August 2010, 05:48 PM » |
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Knowing the Irish, it's probably a true story.
apparently it happend to a friend of a friend of a friends 3rd cousin twice removed |
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Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, and professionals built the Titanic.
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hjd
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« Reply #372 on: 20 August 2010, 06:56 PM » |
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This morning i went down the dole office with my dog so he could sign on.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
He gets his first cheque on Friday.
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MEGSON IS A POPADOM
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« Reply #373 on: 25 August 2010, 12:37 AM » |
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Me: What's that smell?
Wife: I can't smell anything.
Me: Neither can I, get that fcuking cooker on.
A charity single has been released in aid of Pakistan flood relief...
Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed.
I was on Dragon's Den but got chucked out.
Apparently asking Deborah Meaden to "fcúk off and get me a sandwich while the men talk business" is unacceptable.
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Keegan
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« Reply #374 on: 28 August 2010, 06:38 PM » |
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Raindrops keep falling on Ahmed. |
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"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.”
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