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Natasha Whittam

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A Day In The Life Of Chris Amos

« on: 07 May 2010, 01:24 PM »

8am: Woke up with a hangover and dolly the inflatable sheep lying next to me. God she’s fit when she wears that Dutch football top. Wish I hadn’t had all those appletini’s in the Sports Bar last night but it was worth it to be with my friends. Ok, they were sat at another table and didn’t look at me all night but they’re such good friends. If only Megan had been there to join in the fun.

8.15am: Spent 20 minutes deciding on breakfast. Dutch eggs or Dutch toast, it was a tough decision. Wish Megan had been there to help.

8.45am: Caught a Dutch bus to work. I love my job cleaning out the bogs at the Dutch bank, but it’s not been the same since my Dutch boss banned me from cleaning the female bogs. Why can’t he understand it’s the closest I’ve ever been to fanny? I wish Megan was here.

10.30am: Mid-morning break. I love break time as I get to chat with my Dutch friends. Ok, they sit in another room and don’t actually know my name but they are great work colleagues. I wish Megan was here to see how popular I am.

11.15am: I received a call from the police in England about my mad granny. She was found wandering St Peter’s Way in her underwear shouting ‘Amos Must Die’ at passing motorists. When the police informed her she was being sent to Holland to live with me she jumped in front of a double decker bus. I hate the police. I may fly back for the funeral if Megan will come with me.

12.15pm: Lunchtime. Sprinted to the nearest internet café to see if I’d received a message from Megan Box. She’s my girlfriend. I met her online in an internet chatroom. She’s 23 years old and a massive star in America. All the men fancy her but she loves me. Just yesterday we were instant messaging each other and she told me she’d turned down a date with George Clooney and David Beckham in the same night as she only wants me. I’m so lucky that she only dates 38 year old ginger fatties. I actually spoke to her on the phone the other night, she must have had a really sore throat as she had a very deep voice. And who’d have thought she’d have a Scouse accent? And I didn’t know Liverpool and Hollywood had the same dialling code. No message. Gutted.

2pm: It’s my lucky day, my boss invites me to clean the floor of the bank after a child has puked all over it. If only my Dad could see me now, he’d be so proud. I wish he hadn’t jumped from that bridge just minutes after I was born.

5pm: Raced home to my bedsit above the crackhouse, surely Megan has sent me a message? No message. I hope she loves me as much as I love her. Decided to hit the Sports Bar with my friends but the place was deserted when I arrived. The woman behind the bar asked me what I wanted to drink. I’m in love. She is the first female to speak to me since that incident in the park toilets. I am so happy. I ran home to tell my chums on Burnden Aces all about my new girlfriend. They abuse me but it’s all done in jest. We’re such great mates.

7pm: Back in the Sports Bar with my Dutch pals. They tell me to ‘fcuk off’ as I approach and one woman pulls out her rape alarm and mace. They’re such great mates. I sit on a stool in the mens toilets but I know they miss me. They seem to enjoy this game so I always play along.

11pm: Arrive home again and at last a message from Megan! She tells me she’s pregnant. I knew I shouldn’t have had cyber sex with her. She asks for £100k to support her and the baby through the pregnancy. Beginning to wish I hadn’t told her I was the bank manager. She gives me an address in Toxteth to send the money to and insists on used notes. She loves me so much. I regret having an affair with the barmaid tonight.

11.45pm: Settle down to bed but dolly the inflatable sheep is still wearing that Dutch football top. I can’t help myself….I’m only human.


« Last Edit: 07 May 2010, 01:25 PM by Natasha Whittam »	Logged

Fair play to you then if you're willing to share your knickers with a willy.

aarons2009

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